Showing posts with label evil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label evil. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

My Ex is a Psychopath and I'm Stuck Here Trying to Heal

Leave me alone! Don't read this. I can't stop to figure out how you found this site or how I need to proceed to better secure my words as I fight the brink of sanity, but it's the third time I've attempted to use a tool that could help me heal and understand, but so far no privacy found. 

I was dubbed by a sociopath

 [you must ask for permission through this link] and I was madly in love with him when it happened. It meaning a trauma so unexpected and one I never saw coming that I knew not only that I was in shock, but I would never be with this man again. I had seen evil.

One online blog I thought was just in draft form had several followers that night when I came back, since you see, I was recovering from the damage and devastation of loving a Psychopath, and caused those he "LOVES"  to be so devastated, it is is so very complex and horrifying, everyday. Joy, joy-between running, trying to scramble up your stuff, find any hidden finances, ask around for places to stay, see a counselor right away, see a trauma specialist if you are still in shock or have PTSD like I did. Then you need immediate treatment for the trauma just so you can speak and not stutter or hyperventilate. So you can imagine the terror I felt when I saw "followers" and later read on one of hundreds of sites for survivors of a sociopathic relationship, that those that follow blogs of victims are often sociopaths themselves. Wow. I yanked that blog down that second 

We've run out of places to go when THIS has to come out. I've used online private journals, notebooks if they are handy, all kinds of apps on my phone(s) yes, part of the problem. Laptop notebook, chromebook Google Doc, then Asus computer needs to be sent back )just got it back from these repairs it showed up with untouched) so now anything goes with it, and when my phone ran out of hotspot ability due to limit, I could no longer connect my chrome, so my documents and folders and bookmarks almost all in one place.....gone. Talk to people about it?? Okay  for tiny amounts of time and limitations on WHAT comes out of your mouth. Are you done yet??  Only see counselor for one hour a week and that only lasted a month most of that time being treated for PTSD from domestic abuse caused by my only family and closest person to me in the world-my ex fiance, the psychopath.  I refer to him as a sociopath because they SEEM less crazy, but they are  not, and he actually fits the profile of a psychopath. Think John Wayne Gacy  or Ted Bundy crazy. I've been told he is a psychopath by one social worker, and that he is definitely a sociopath by two counselors and all the social workers I met with. I could not wrap my head around either, There are subtle differences and he has those "extra" characteristics to meet the definition I'm sure, but I choose not to call him that or consider it.  but  I was too heartbroken and in shock, but nearly a year later, I am free to see the truth and protect myself. 

I started a blog called My Boyfriend is a Psychopath. I figured if I kept the privacy issues under wraps, and I could just vent usually based on reading some other huge part of this kind of monster, and suddenly realizing how THAT had been going on forever, and it just hit me. Tears, anger, sleeping with knife out of fear, a stuffed animal as you both cry yourselves to sleep miles apart. He in your home with your belongings, me in a stranger bedroom I was able to rent for a month while I worked things out as to what's next. You don't worry. You never do. You know why? I do! I do!

  • I always hesitate to write anywhere about this, but I've learned it's absolutely necessary in moving forward. I pray people can't find my ramblings, but I'm told I've been helping people , which is how I live my life, so it makes sense I would help. I password protect,but I'm posting more and with less fear

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Why is it Hard to be Good?

Half Truths-Lies of Omission |Why is it hard to be good? 

A question that seems simple enough, yet as human beings the answer becomes complex. Everyone thinks they are a good person and they do the right thing for the most part. When serial killers were asked, many said they were basically good people...oh, except that little thing they did.......called MURDER.

My dad used to say a liar was worse than a murderer. Didn't get it then, and still really don't, but I kind of understand a little bit more. I absolutely loath liars and dishonest people. I hate people who don't tell the truth even when asked directly and to their faces a question, and they answer with a straight face, then behind your back talk the opposite. And these are FRIENDS. I hear, "well, I didn't want to hurt their feelings" or "I didn't lie, I just...didn't tell everything" (lies of omission or half-truths-LIES people, LIES).

An old boyfriend became angry at me when I told a very close friend the content of a the contract had signed with his church having to do with gays. Basically this 18 page contract from hell explained in great detail how gays were never to enter the pearly gates and not only would they suffer excruciating pain everyday for iternity, but they'd share the same space in the fiery lake of hell with none other than...the devil himself, oh, and also with those of us who had not accepted Jesus Christ as our savior [ah...me].